moving sucks
I’m in the process of moving, and I feel displaced. The majority of my belongings aren’t with me. My apartment isn’t all that I hoped it would be. The worst part is that I don’t just feel more disappointed or glum than usual. Instead it feels like my mood is controlled by a Bop It, getting bopped, twisted, and pulled way too frequently and too quickly.
Some moments I’m gleeful. I look out of our beautiful living room windows at the church across the road, enjoying the liveliness of the other college students from around the area milling around on the street below. I feel excited – about how to decorate my room, about the experiences I could have, about who I can become here.
Other moments I’m filled with doubt. The bathtub has a rusty patch at the bottom, one of the kitchen lights leaks, and the light in the hallway outside our front door doesn’t work. Seeing my borrowed little red sleeping bag on the floor of my huge room reminds me of emptiness instead of possibilities. Logically I know it will soon, but at the moment it’s hard to convince myself I’ll ever be able to make this place my own. It doesn’t feel like home yet.
I want someone to tell me that it’s going to be ok. I want someone to see the potential in my apartment during the moments when I feel only doubt. But everyone else is going through the same struggle, moving their entire lives in oversized trucks on cramped roads, hoisting heavy dressers up several flights of stairs, neglecting to tuck dishes or spices away into kitchen cabinets, huffing bleach while scrubbing bathtubs. We’re all so stressed and busy that we don’t have the bandwidth to comfort others. We’re all going through the same thing, yet we’re all alone.
I’m doing my best to convince myself that everything is ok. I tell myself I live somewhere flawed. My experience here could always be better, but it’ll still be pretty great, even if maybe we’re paying a bit too much, or have to nag our landlord to fix the leak, or need to put a rubber mat over the rust in the tub.
The fact is, moving is hard. Right now I’m living through an uncomfortable time. I’ll survive, but it just sucks.